Everyone has a story to tell about love. As I've been explaining this love exploration to family and friends, everyone seems excited to tell their story. What would life be without these stories? It seems to me that life is the act of story telling and listening, as we are witnesses for one another. This morning, when I looked at this painting, I saw each of the colors and little shapes that build up into a heart as these collective stories that shape our view of what love is and how love is a part our lives.
During my last day in Columbus, I was able to meet up with a beloved professor of mine, Dr. Jacqueline Bussie. Our conversations about love ripped open new enlightenments about love that I found so profound and moving; I left our lunch date in a fit of excitement and inspiration!
The main highlight of Dr. Bussie and I's discussion is the idea that love is not something that choses you; you choose to commit and support love. Hollywood and Western society upholds an idea that there is that one person who is out there and is perfect for you. Love is finding that perfect puzzle piece that matches you and how you want to be loved exactly. This idea puts so much pressure on the need to feel something deep down when you meet the person you will spend the rest of your life with. What happens if you meet an amazing person and you both connect well on an emotional level, yet you don't feel what you think you should be feeling? For the sake of your own happiness, this is a dangerous expectation to set on the love that you feel.
Dr. Bussie and I agreed on a different viewpoint for love. Love is committing to one person and saying that you will support them and love only them, not because you feel that this person is "The One," but because you have decided that this person is one you love. Now this is an idea that I wrap my head around. I am choosing to commit; I make the decision to love this person every day, and to love every bit of that other person. Instead of searching for that perfect puzzle piece to precisely fit to me, I am picking up two puzzle pieces and molding them to fit together.
In a world full of sinners, how can we expect to find an absolutely perfect love between two humans? I feel that appreciating that we have imperfections and differences and loving because of the differences rather than the "in spite ofs" is the heart of love.
This concept of love brings up the idea of love being two separate people that involves sharing two lives together that are not identical. Love can often be viewed as a codependent relationship, or viewing the relationship as being important than the individuals. This idea is perpetuated by stories like Romeo and Juliet that involve people choosing their relationship over their own lives. In a world where love is valued higher than the person, and people view love as the end-all be-all, where is there room for actual human interaction? I think that's why I started this project; I want to get to the root of love, so the day to day interactions of love that make up the relationships people have. I have spent my life being fed stories about true love from movies, books, songs that highlight the butterflies and love at first sight and the unrelenting desire to find a soulmate. Where is the reality? Every story I hear from someone that I talk to, I feel hopeful about the pragmatic approach to love.
Dr. Bussie talked about how love has been expansive in her experience. As a person that is loved, she is able to go out into the world and share this love with everyone and in everything that she does. The level of compassion that expands past the intimate eros love is a great concept. Love is not limitless and does not lay solely between two people that love each other. The love grows and pours out into the rest of the world.
Love as a relationship that is interdependent, with both people being mutually responsible and held accountable for a relationship is something that I want to strive for. The decision to be held responsible for a commitment to love and share this other person with the world sounds so much more comforting than "I found the One! I've never felt this way before!" I can be held accountable for my actions, and if I decide to commit to love someone fully and every day, I have control over my own actions. I can choose to love someone for the rest of my life, and my decisions will be based upon that decisions from that point on. I will make decisions that fit into the puzzle piece that I want to fit to.
Right now, having said goodbye to my boyfriend for an indefinite amount of time, the idea of long distance terrifies me. I am definitely on the search for tips and advice about long distance, so if you have any insights, please let me know!
I discussed my fears about long distance with Dr. Bussie, and she talked about the idea of love casting out all fear, and the insecurities that she felt earlier in her relationship have been outgrown through the development of her and her husband's commitment to one another. The reality of love, the day to day responsibility to another person is much sharper than the fuzzy fantasy of having an affair. It is perfectly good to give your spouse to the world and let the world enjoy their gifts.
Dr. Bussie told me about how her husband was offered a wonderful opportunity to travel to Singapore to work for a year, and many of their friends and family members advised them against separating themselves so soon after being married. Dr. Bussie explained that she knew that they would be able to make it work because she wanted to see her husband flourish in ways that she could not even imagine. Not to say that it wasn't a difficult time or that she didn't miss him inexplicably, but she saw that she had no greater gift than to share her husband with the world. I find these last words quite profound, because the idea of a selfless love that is beyond one's own wants is something that not many can accomplish and appreciate.
"Meet Cute"--(term from The Holiday, because I just love romantic comedies)
Dr. Bussie met her husband when she was an underclassmen in high school. He had just moved to Florida and was a new kid, so on a band trip that involved riding on a bus, her friends urged her to go sit with the new guy. So as everyone else was making out or sleeping, Dr. Bussie got an earful from this guy, who she deemed as annoying. They became friends throughout high school, and she grew to regard him as one of her best friends. They kept in touch through college via letters and phone calls, while dating others, until coming to realize that they needed take a chance at exploring their mutual love. Their story involves her husband, Matt, sending her letters every day for 60 days; which I find terribly romantic because I love letters in general, especially love letters.
I am so drawn to hearing how people meet and fall in love. How do two people go from strangers to lovers? It is so intriguing! I love the long-drawn out stories that take at least 20 minutes to tell. If you have any stories that you would like to share, please feel free to comment or email me at loudharmony58@gmail.com.
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