The Heart of Life is in the Questioning

Try googling long-distance relationships.  You will get so much information, it will make you either wish you had another 10 hours to pour over or desire to throw your computer and all of its answers into the garbage.  I happen to belong to the former, so I found a few sites that seemed promising.  Particularly one site  called 1000 Questions for Couples reigned above the rest.

1000 Questions for Couples attempts to attack the issue of running out of things to talk about when on the phone with your significant other while long distance.  But really, this information is useful for any couple, because it allows for communication to occur about subjects or issues that may not come up otherwise.

The creater, Michael Webb, has a few cheesy points, like the fact that he is very proud to have been married for 21 years and claims to never have had a fight with his wife.  That sounds extremely odd to me, but nonetheless, his idea is genius.

1000 Questions. That's a 1000 ways to understand your significant other, or really any friend or family member, in a different way!  The questions are varied across a broad spectrum of topics and very specific.  I really like that the questions require some thought, which takes out the awkwardness of one word answers.


These 1000 Questions come in an ebook that Michael Webb sells at his website for $27, which is something that I really did not see being able to budget. But, if you try to navigate away from the website, a pop up directs you to a free trial of 33 questions, which are emailed to you in increments of 3-4 each day.  I opted to do this, and really enjoyed talking about the questions every day.  I would definitely reccommend the 33 questions trial, and as a bonus, after the free trial, Michael sends one question a week in order to keep you interested.  This means more questions to ask!

Try it out and let me know what you think about the 33 Questions!

Where Imagination Becomes an Obstacle

I eagerly check PostSecret every Saturday evening/Sunday morning to read secrets that Frank Warren selected for the week.  If you have not discovered the beauty of PostSecret, please check it out right this instant.

On particular Sunday that was at least a year ago, I read this secret and I needed to catch a breath because it stopped me in my tracks and tugged on something deep inside.

What is it about this secret that hits right at my core?  What do you think about this secret?

It is really hard to give up the imaginations that I have built up from when I was running around in a princess dress at age 4 to now, when I still wear dresses but they are less pink and sparkly.  I have daydreamed and wondered about the person that I would spend the rest of my life with.  I know that I am not alone in this.  Even though we do not like admitting it, but we all have fantasies about finding the person that you can share a life with, whoever you imagine or whatever traits you want them to have.

When did this imagination and fantasy become something that keeps us from being able to let our imaginations go in order to love and accept a real person?

This imaginary perfect person is not something tangible or even something that can be found, yet we find ourselves feeling the lingering of that imaginary person.  Why does this imaginary person cast a shadow?

This brings my thoughts once again back to the idea of commitment and a decision to love the real person, right in front of us. With that idea, I have another picture:

Want to share your story of love or about the imaginary person in your head? Comment on here or email me at loudharmony58@gmail.com.

Quote of the Week

"As Sidda joined Vivi in staring out in the darkness of the fields, where hundreds of sunflowers grew, she thought: I will never fully know my mother, any more than I will ever know my father or Connor, or myself.  I have been missing the point.  The point is not knowing another person, or learning to love another person.  The point is simply this: how tender can we bear to be?  What good manners can we show as we welcome ourselves and others into our hearts?"---Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of Ya-Ya Sisterhood

COMING SOON

I'm developing a few posts about long distance, since it is something that is relevant to my life. If you have been part of a long distance relationship and would like to share your experience, please email me at loudharmony58@gmail.com!

I'm looking into researching every aspect of love that I can; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Let me know if you have any topics that you would like to see!

Other things may change us, but we start and end with a family.-Anthony Brandt

I constantly hear from people that love is about the right timing, not the right person.  I've heard this saying so much that it has become part of my own mantra.  I find myself saying it to people without really giving it much thought.  Is finding someone that is right for you completely irrelevant to your growth and mindset?  Could you find someone who is perfect for you, but not be ready for marriage, and therefore don't pursue loving that person for life?

I can understand that concept on some level, but at the same time, it brings up this idea that love is not a romantic connection but merely two people meeting at a convenient time.

Maybe love isn't about the fate of meeting The One, but in fact the fate of becoming The You that will fall in love, whoever that lover is.
 
Life is like a training program in love; how can you tell if someone you are dating is a trainee or the real thing?

Say you are deeply in love, but you are not ready to settle--does that make that love experience a training love?  Or are there other factors that depend on which love is the love of your life? I really hope that there is more do love than just correct timing.  That is why I feel more comfortable with the commitment theory I talked about in my Piece of the Puzzle writing.  I would like to be able to choose someone, despite obstacles, because I love them, admire them, and have a great relationship with them.

Let's go back to the root question: How do you know that someone is the person you want to commit to?  How can you tell the difference between a love, and the love of your life?


I have been corresponding with a lovely friend, Beth Crawford, about her experiences with love, especially long distance.  One thing that she wrote about that stuck in my mind was an idea that the man she is dating now feels like a part of her family now.

Beth writes: "I knew I loved Joe about 3 months into our relationship.  I just came to realize that he made my life so much better and I would be devastated if I lost him.  In the past, I always had a feeling that my boyfriends weren't family.  If I lost them, it was an 'eh' feeling, I think.  I never felt the deep scary loss when our relationships ended as I imagine I would feel with Joe.  The same as I imagine I would feel if my mom or dad or sisters died.  For those who have a strong family connection, I think it might be easier to know when you are in love...because you want that new person to be a part of that family and you want to defend and protect that new person the same way you would a family."

The idea of a significant other becoming family seems like such a simple concept that it struck me so hard as I poured over Beth's words.

The feeling of family, sprinkled with a sense of defending them as well as being unable to imagine losing them, is a great way to understand how you love someone.  I had never even thought to consider this concept, but I find it useful.

It makes me think of how I am so trusting of my family that I am more of a bitch to them than anyone else. Do you think yourself being a bitch to your significant other? Then he's a keeper! (Ha. Please don't take me too seriously).

What does family mean to you?  Does your significant other fit into your idea of family?

Paper Heart

Paper Heart

I'm not sure how many you readers have seen this movie, because I know that I had completely forgotten about its existence until my mother handed it to me and hinted that it might be something within my interests in love.


Paper Heart has the premise of the female comedian Charlyne Yi not believing in love, and seeking out answers by interviewing people about how they believe in love and what they have experienced of love.  The testimonies that are shown in this film are so beautiful and magnificent that you will feel your heart swell in excitement for love and its possibilities.

When a fictional plot between Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera is sprinkled throughout the film, both playing fictional versions of themselves, the movie loses some of its rawness.  These characters fall in love throughout Charlyne's journey to discover what love is in an awkward and superficial way that does not do any justice to the beautiful stories of love that you hear from the interviews.

This movie alone shows the juxtaposition of fake romance of fictional Hollywood stories and down to earth love stories we experience day to day. There is power and awe that real stories of real people falling in love that creates a stirring within our souls.  We have been fed romance from movies, advertisements, books, and magazines; enough materials to give someone a pretty good idea of love.  But is a fictional account of love the thing that really feeds our souls?

One of my favorite things to do is ask a couple how they met.  The sparks in each person's eyes, as they together recount and argue over the circumstance of how they met, is beautiful.  I want to see more of the fumbling and stumbling into love, and less of people falling love on screen because a piece of paper is telling them what to say and when to kiss.  No thanks, Paper Heart.

500 Days of Summer

Recently, I've been watching some movies that ask the kinds of questions that I ask, and the answers that they have come up with have been stirring in my mind and I want to hear your opinions on them!


500 Days of Summer

I am still not quite sure how to feel about this movie.  What do you think?  Do you like the characters?

I LOVE the music, fashion, and artistic aspects of this film.  I do not enjoy the idea that Tom's (Joseph Gordon Levitt's character) happiness is deeply rooted in his relationship with Summer.  I understand the terrifying and horrible situation of of a break-up, but I really worry about the destructive nature of Tom's character.  I want to go British on his ass and tell him to "Keep Calm and Carry On."


As a girl who doubts everything that I believe in, whether that's love, religion, or what the best condiment is to slather on a hotdog, I really do not feel comfortable with the character of Summer saying that the man she met and is going to marry is the One, and that she gets the feeling of love that she was never sure of with Tom.  The ending of the movie supports the idea of fate in love, and how you are meant to meet the right person, despite the setbacks of heartbreak.  This is a perspective that I don't really find inspiring, but instead confining in the idea of the one right person.  What if you lose that one right person to someone else (ie Tom's situation)?

Readers: What perspectives did you see in this film?

Sidenote: AWESOME complement to the film is this music/dance video:
Why Do You Let Me Stay Here--She and Him

Quote of the Week

“There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just mean you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton

5 Love Languages

After starting this blog, I realized that I also have awesome resources about relationships that I have sought out in the past semester.  One of my favorite books and quiz in this past year is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  I found the book in my mother's office (she does premarital counseling) and absorbed the book within a couple of hours--it is helpful in understanding how to make someone feel loved and how you need to be loved.

I'm going to start talking about the 5 Love Languages, so if you don't want me to spoil it for you before you take the quiz, click on this link to the website and it will guide you to the quiz!
Find Out What Your Love Language Is!

This book maps out 5 specific ways of loving: Words of Affirmation, Receiving/Giving Gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Quality Time.
There are two ways to interpret your love language; you can see it as the way that you express love to another person and/or as the way that you would like to be loved.  Most often, a person uses loving acts that are how they would like to be treated, so someone who is Acts of Service would mow your lawn to show you that they love you.  However, some people love the way that they think they should; someone might be Quality Time but they think they are supposed to give you gifts, so they seem like Receiving/Giving Gifts if they buy you flowers or jewelry to show their love.  The importance of this book is to show that people love and want to be loved in different ways, so the typical buying flowers for a date might not be the best way to a person's heart.

This book also examines situations where people can experience miscommunication if they speak different love languages.  For example,  I am Words of Affirmation and my mother is Acts of Service.  My mom knows that I love her if I put the dishes away, but if I don't, she might nag me to do them. Since I am Words of Affirmation, I shut down if someone nags me, so I get reclusive and do not put the dishes away.  This miscommunication creates anger and resentment, and over time, can create huge frictions in any relationship, especially an eros love.  Gary Chapman challenges people that are full of resentment and feel empty of love to spend 6 months encouraging their partner by using their partner's love language.  For example, a person that is Quality Time, whose spouse is Words of Affirmation, will write love letters and verbally say things they appreciate about their spouse, while their spouse will spend half an hour a day talking or hanging out with their Quality Time spouse without the interruption of TV, computer, or other technology.

What is your love language?  Do you think that knowing your love language can be helpful in relationships, friendship or love?  Would you use it within your romantic relationship?  Let me know at loudharmony58@gmail.com or comment on here!

A Piece of the Puzzle

I have a painting hanging up in my room that my brother completed as a prop for a school play (Almost, Maine---beautiful stories of love, similar to Love Actually) and this morning I woke up and really looked at this painting.

Everyone has a story to tell about love.  As I've been explaining this love exploration to family and friends, everyone seems excited to tell their story.  What would life be without these stories? It seems to me that life is the act of story telling and listening, as we are witnesses for one another.  This morning, when I looked at this painting,  I saw each of the colors and little shapes that build up into a heart as these collective stories that shape our view of what love is and how love is a part our lives.


During my last day in Columbus, I was able to meet up with a beloved professor of mine, Dr. Jacqueline Bussie.  Our conversations about love ripped open new enlightenments about love that I found so profound and moving; I left our lunch date in a fit of excitement and inspiration!

The main highlight of Dr. Bussie and I's discussion is the idea that love is not something that choses you; you choose to commit and support love.  Hollywood and Western society upholds an idea that there is that one person who is out there and is perfect for you.  Love is finding that perfect puzzle piece that matches you and how you want to be loved exactly.  This idea puts so much pressure on the need to feel something deep down when you meet the person you will spend the rest of your life with.  What happens if you meet an amazing person and you both connect well on an emotional level, yet you don't feel what you think you should be feeling?  For the sake of your own happiness, this is a dangerous expectation to set on the love that you feel.

Dr. Bussie and I agreed on a different viewpoint for love.  Love is committing to one person and saying that you will support them and love only them, not because you feel that this person is "The One," but because you have decided that this person is one you love.  Now this is an idea that I wrap my head around.  I am choosing to commit; I make the decision to love this person every day, and to love every bit of that other person.  Instead of searching for that perfect puzzle piece to precisely fit to me, I am picking up two puzzle pieces and molding them to fit together.

In a world full of sinners, how can we expect to find an absolutely perfect love between two humans?  I feel that appreciating that we have imperfections and differences and loving because of the differences rather than the "in spite ofs" is the heart of love.

This concept of love brings up the idea of love being two separate people that involves sharing two lives together that are not identical.  Love can often be viewed as a codependent relationship, or viewing the relationship as being important than the individuals.  This idea is perpetuated by stories like Romeo and Juliet that involve people choosing their relationship over their own lives.  In a world where love is valued higher than the person, and people view love as the end-all be-all, where is there room for actual human interaction? I think that's why I started this project;  I want to get to the root of love, so the day to day interactions of love that make up the relationships people have.  I have spent my life being fed stories about true love from movies, books, songs that highlight the butterflies and love at first sight and the unrelenting desire to find a soulmate.  Where is the reality?  Every story I hear from someone that I talk to,  I feel hopeful about the pragmatic approach to love.

Dr. Bussie talked about how love has been expansive in her experience.  As a person that is loved, she is able to go out into the world and share this love with everyone and in everything that she does.  The level of compassion that expands past the intimate eros love is a great concept.  Love is not limitless and does not lay solely between two people that love each other.  The love grows and pours out into the rest of the world.

Love as a relationship that is interdependent, with both people being mutually responsible and held accountable for a relationship is something that I want to strive for.  The decision to be held responsible for a commitment to love and share this other person with the world sounds so much more comforting than "I found the One! I've never felt this way before!"  I can be held accountable for my actions, and if I decide to commit to love someone fully and every day, I have control over my own actions.  I can choose to love someone for the rest of my life, and my decisions will be based upon that decisions from that point on.  I will make decisions that fit into the puzzle piece that I want to fit to.

Right now, having said goodbye to my boyfriend for an indefinite amount of time, the idea of long distance terrifies me.  I am definitely on the search for tips and advice about long distance, so if you have any insights, please let me know!

I discussed my fears about long distance with Dr. Bussie, and she talked about the idea of love casting out all fear, and the insecurities that she felt earlier in her relationship have been outgrown through the development of her and her husband's commitment to one another.  The reality of love, the day to day responsibility to another person is much sharper than the fuzzy fantasy of having an affair. It is perfectly good to give your spouse to the world and let the world enjoy their gifts.

Dr. Bussie told me about how her husband was offered a wonderful opportunity to travel to Singapore to work for a year, and many of their friends and family members advised them against separating themselves so soon after being married.  Dr. Bussie explained that she knew that they would be able to make it work because she wanted to see her husband flourish in ways that she could not even imagine.  Not to say that it wasn't a difficult time or that she didn't miss him inexplicably, but she saw that she had no greater gift than to share her husband with the world.  I find these last words quite profound, because the idea of a selfless love that is beyond one's own wants is something that not many can accomplish and appreciate.

"Meet Cute"--(term from The Holiday, because I just love romantic comedies)
Dr. Bussie met her husband when she was an underclassmen in high school.  He had just moved to Florida and was a new kid, so on a band trip that involved riding on a bus, her friends urged her to go sit with the new guy.  So as everyone else was making out or sleeping, Dr. Bussie got an earful from this guy, who she deemed as annoying.  They became friends throughout high school, and she grew to regard him as one of her best friends.  They kept in touch through college via letters and phone calls, while dating others, until coming to realize that they needed take a chance at exploring their mutual love.  Their story involves her husband, Matt, sending her letters every day for 60 days; which I find terribly romantic because I love letters in general, especially love letters.

I am so drawn to hearing how people meet and fall in love.  How do two people go from strangers to lovers?  It is so intriguing! I love the long-drawn out stories that take at least 20 minutes to tell.  If you have any stories that you would like to share, please feel free to comment or email me at loudharmony58@gmail.com.