I've been wrestling through this path to love enlightenment, someone brought up the idea that I should not only examine couples in long-lasting relationships but also love that has splintered or been broken. This concept makes quite a lot of sense; it can be helpful to understand what has not worked as much as what has worked.
I have been lucky to have discussed love with a thoughtful and reflective family friend, Russ Hopkins. As we sat on a patio shaded by trees, sipping on beer, Russ told me a lot about his evolution of love.
The first thing that Russ tells me is that love is like a forest fire, which has dual perspectives. A fire burning through a forest is powerful and all encompassing, destroying everything that it comes across. In that same vein, the fire is making room for a new habitat and other forms of life. Within this metaphor, love consumes every bit of a person and creates change and new life. Love as a forest fire is creating light and giving a sense of rebirth to a person. This metaphor certainly resonates with me because love has carried me to places that I had previously never let myself go; it pulled at insecurities and fears that I had held far away from consciousness. Love pulls us forward and onward, even when we are kicking and screaming to stay within comfort.
But what about a love that, like a forest fire, destroys the good bonds in a relationship?
Within this concept, Russ stressed the idea that often we want to love another person, we are looking for someone to love us. We want to love so that we are loved; the feeling of being needed and irresistible is just to delicious to resist. We love to cure our own loneliness, we love to feel better about ourselves.
Hold on, wait: everything in Western culture tells me that loneliness is something to avoid, let alone acknowledge. But is soothing loneliness a negative thing? I would be in denial if I said that there is a clear line between loving for loves sake and loving to avoid being lonely. But I would kidding myself if I said that getting into a relationship solely to feel less lonely is a functional way to live life.
This brings up yet another question: How do you know can your own need for love from the love you have for another person? Our sense of self bleeds the lines of love in such a way that defies widely accepted laws of logic. Russ argued that our own need for loneliness should not be a roadblock in love; we should not feel guilty for wanting to fill the void within ourselves with love. The key to this idea is that you accept your own needs while also accepting your partner's needs amidst your bond together. How do you know that you are doing this? To quote Russ, loneliness becomes magnified within a bad relationship. If you feel misunderstood, hurt, or not heard within your relationship, it is very important to communicate these feelings as well as listen to your partner's needs to maintain a balance.
Russ focused on our Western culture and our focus on what love can do for us. This goes along with the idea of loneliness, but takes it a step further in that we discuss love on perfect terms. As a part of a capitalist society, we ask: "What can I get out of this? How can I be happy in this perfect relationship? I do not want to put energy into someone if it will not benefit me."
If we ask to be cured of loneliness, if we ask for someone to hold us as we cry, we are asking for a mate who will always be the strong person. But if we look for someone who we appreciate, our void will be soothed as an aftertaste of love.
Russ highlighted Indian culture, where arranged marriage is a culture ritual that has been practiced over thousands of years. Within Indian culture, marriage is seen as a mutual agreement or partnership. In Western culture, marriage is legally a mutual partnership, but Russ argues that our obsession with romantic love is a symptom of Western's frivolous culture. Legally, marriage is a partnership that is a decision to work and grow together, but Western culture demands higher expectations of constant affection and adoration. With an arranged marriage, the bond of marriage is outside the confines of "I need you, I love you, marry me;" the agreement to have two lives join is a seen as a growing experience. Does this mean that we should throw out romantic love? Of course not, but the dichotomy of the dry unemotional legal aspect and fuzzy warm romantic feeling of marriage that our culture perpetuates is something to be aware of.
Where does the fuzzy romantic feeling end and where does the dry, abrasive idea of marriage come in? Russ has experienced his share of abrasive love, in that he has been in a legal battle with his ex-wife over possessions, child custody, and everything in between. This goes back to the idea that we need to accept and be aware of our need to fill loneliness. In some cases, love can go horribly wrong when you drag out every bit of your hurt into divorce battles. For an insecure person, fighting is a better love than no contact at all. The marriage contract is something that is taken so lightly in America because we value romantic love over the legal bond. When people make a huge commitment with lovey-dovey eyes covered in rose-colored glasses, it is a harsh reality when the business side of marriage, or even divorce, steps into the love game.
Russ discussed the need to be a self aware person when in love; how can you find anything special in someone else when you don't find yourself special? If you cannot handle yourself and your needs or issues, how can you accept to witness another person's needs? Love puts a well lit mirror on yourself and forces you to see the way the you perceive yourself. To maintain a healthy relationship, you must fight battles with your own issues. Russ explained how hard it is to love someone that is emotionally and mentally dysfunctional; this is where the loneliness being magnified in a bad relationship comes in.
The point that really proved exactly why I am doing this project is the answer that Russ gave when I asked him how his idea of love has evolved. Russ began by saying in his twenties, he sought out the perfect mommy/wife figure, to take care of him as well as be a great mom to children; essentially, looking for the typical soulmate image. In his marriage, he was looking for the perfect partnership, someone to promise to fill the lonely void. With his divorce, he began to understand how people became cynical of love and felt caught in a web of dysfunctional pain. He began to realize that the co-dependency of comforting each other's loneliness was not healthy. If you solely love to be less lonely, you do not understand love at all.
Russ now sees love as a way to not give energy to another person, but focus on the wonders of the world.
Russ stressed the idea that we should not be giving our energy to another person when we should be focusing on the gods and the wonder of the universe. If love does not begin by looking at God, it is centered on earthly things. Russ said that the worst thing about love is when it becomes a form of worship focused on the other person and not the mysteries of the world. Instead of looking at each other, we should hold hands as we gaze into the sky.
